For this author, creative endeavors have been sorely tested by motherhood. But also transformed, and in ways she wouldn’t have imagined – couldn’t have, without her life “rewritten” as it has been, by her children. So linger here, to read all things weaverly, writerly and motherly.

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Friday, July 1, 2011

Heaven?

I have a hard time with the idea of Heaven. It’s too much of a “place” that we check into on our last breath. Where there isn’t much to do, except walk circles as on a track.

I struggle with “Heaven” every time someone I love dies. Especially those who die suddenly, as my husband’s best friend did, last week. This morning, I actually was walking circles around a track, at a park where I take the boys to ride their scooters.

The boys scooted past me, around and around, and I kept walking, and working my brain to fit together puzzle pieces – life pieces that now have to fit into those of death. Of sudden cessation; a human life is far too solidified in emotion, memories, love, and deep ties to others, to dissipate on that last breath. Ted must have been sitting at his desk, settling down with a morning coffee, when the embolism struck. By the way he fell, he had died before he hit the floor. A stilling of life so sudden, it is barely, just so barely, comprehendible.

So there was the wake, and the burial, my husband then had to get back to work, and I packed up the kids to go visit Gramma.  We while away the mornings at this park, where life continues, amazingly, unabated. Kids shoot basketballs.  A mother trails behind her toddler awkwardly steering a tricycle. My boys grin as they pass me on their scooters, my youngest flashing the gaping hole where he’s lost a tooth, and my heart breaks; as they age they gradually will unlearn this, how to live in the actual moment.

Walking those track circles is indeed repetitive, and I got tired of trying to piece together that life/death puzzle. So I started talking to my husband’s friend. Casually, the way I used to sitting across from him at our kitchen table.

In my rambling monologue, I asked Ted to send a sign to my husband when he goes to visit him today at his freshly dug grave.  Keith is struggling to make peace; he told me he can still see how Ted would even fold his newspaper. The other day, my son came to me with a yellow ladybug on his hand. She was struggling to pull in her wings, and we thought she was hurt. But then the ladybug took off across the playground.  In that burst of flight, I felt Ted. 

I do look for those signs. Rather, for that ubiquitous of the spirit:  how that solidity of life, in death, translates into an energy that prevails all around us. Even, if you look closely, in the tiny breeze just rippling those white flowers low to the grass, the ones we can too easily overlook as weeds. If there is a heaven then, maybe this is it. In the here. In the now.

At the cemetery, Keith left cut flowers, but said he could hear Ted saying, “Flowers? What am I going to do with f---- flowers?” Ted loved to dine, and he might have preferred takeout from a fine restaurant. Keith compromised; he told Ted he would return this weekend with a freshly baked bagel and coffee.

I worried a little. “You’re actually going to buy him a bagel?”

Keith said he would “proxy” a bagel, by eating it for him.

Ted, I guess, didn’t finally send him any signs. Unless you count the fact that Keith got locked into the cemetery, and had to chase down a security guard to get him out. But he did imagine that after he left, Ted bawled out the guard for latching the gates one minute too early, before actually closing time.












Dreamhost review

13 comments:

RaeBeth said...

Visiting and following back. Thanks for joining on my blog. Have a wonderful day.

Garden Gate Botanicals said...

Good, interesting, and
thought provoking post!

shah said...

Thanks for linking up at me blog hop and for displaying the button too!

I'm a new follower by way of thanks.

Also, my brother died 2004, father 2005. Both in nasty circumstances. I can only say that bereavement is like carrying luggage 24/7. But the load does get lighter, and you learn to appreciate the load as its all you have left of them.

Shah. X

Laurie said...

Hi, Thanks for checking out my review blog and for the follow. Your site here is pretty different. I find it interesting and you have a very graphic style of writing that evokes images easily....looking forward to following your thoughts.
Laurie
Laurie's Thoughts & Reviews

Laurie said...

I read your inquiry about comments on my blog. Unfortunately, I do not have an email contact for you. If you would like to email me at lauriej170 at gmail dot com I'll be happy to send you my reply (for what it's worth LOL). My email can also be found on my Google Profile page. I looked for your email there first but I guess you don't choose to show it.

The only way a visitor would see replies to their comments is if they check the "email follow-up comments to {email address}...because of the bulk of emails I already get, I don't usually choose that option. But there are some other alternatives.

Warm Regards,
Laurie
Laurie's Interviews

Christine said...

What a beautiful site you have. I am your newest follower from the Sunday Blog Hop. I'd love it if you'd follow me too at "Why We Love Green" at http://whywelovegreen.blogspot.com

My mom loves to weave--I'm excited to show her your blog!

Erin O'Riordan said...

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. What you've written here is an absolutely beautiful meditation. It reminds me of the Buddhist saying that we are part of a river. For a brief time, we become the individual droplets of a waterfall. Then our brief moment is over and we rejoin the river.

Kortney said...

I'm stopping by from the Super Stalker Sunday Blog Hop!! I'm so glad you joined us this 4th of July weekend to do a little stalking around! I hope you and your family are having a wonderful holiday!!
Be sure to come join us again next weekend for more stalking fun!! Have a Happy 4th!!
Kortney @ Kortney's Krazy Life

Blythe Horman said...

My thoughts are with you and your husband. I'm so glad that you like my Birdles, and that they make you happy and also provide comfort during difficult times. Wishing you gentle healing buoyed by sweet memories.

MommyDigger.com said...

I'm your newest follower from the Super Stalker Sunday Hop! I would love for you to visit my blog www.mommydigger.com and follow me :)

Emily said...

Hi! Thanks so much for linking up with Super Stalker Sunday hop. Hope you'll be able to join us again next week!

Your Co-Host,
Emily from Nap Time Is My Time

jbplbarbara said...

Visiting from Kourtney's SSSunday blog hop. Hope you can come by Espanol para Ninos and join the Spanish journey.
Have a wonderful weekend,
Barbara
Español para Niños (Spanish for Kids)

cherylz said...

Your post on the cemetery visit was beautiful, even joyful. I never thought I find joy in such a post. I'll enjoy your writing:)

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